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Ruth Sternberg's avatar

This resonated: "I read once about how we lose parts of our story when someone dies. Those parts are irretrievable. It was an article about the holes people leave in our lives when they die. That the holes are okay, they may never close up or be filled but then again, we may not want them to be filled. But I've come to understand something deeper: death can also be a time to let go of the hurts that a person represented in our story. The shame they made us feel, the limitations they placed on us, the voice that said we weren't enough. Those are holes, too. Holes we can close, sew shut."

I wish this were true for me. I have lost people (not a parent - yet, but my dad just turned 89; Mom's 86), including my first husband. We'd been long parted when I learned of his death, but things about our relationship, that only I know, still live within me, and not all are pleasant to recall. Ditto with a boss I had who refused to defend me in the face of a bullying supervisor. He died of cancer, but I hold the feelings. None of it is shame. But it can be disturbing. I dunno. Maybe really it's about perspective....

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