Setting Healthy Boundaries
The Foundation of Fearless Authenticity
I've lived on both sides of the boundary fence, and I can tell you from hard-won experience that the view is vastly different from each side. I've learned that boundaries aren't walls that keep people out, they're the foundation that keeps your authentic self standing strong.
Early in my career in child welfare, I discovered boundaries weren't a luxury; they were a lifeline. The stories we encountered daily, the heartbreak, the systemic failures, the human suffering, could have consumed me entirely if I hadn't learned to leave work at work. I made a conscious decision that the trauma I witnessed during the day would not follow me home to my family, my dinner table, or my dreams. This wasn't callousness; it was survival. But it also was easier said than done.
When I transitioned to the corporate world, I carried these protective practices with me. I was strict about my time; work hours were for work, and personal hours were sacred. While my organization proudly proclaimed its commitment to work-life balance, my boss criticized me for not working most evenings and weekends. When I confronted him about this contradiction, asking what they truly meant by work-life balance, his response was telling: "You look like you're not serious or committed to your work."
"Do I get things done? Am I productive? Is there any lack in the value I add?" I asked.
"Well, no," he admitted, "it's just you look like you don't care as much."
Later, that same boss came to realize that my approach was not only healthy but promoted wellbeing for the entire team. But his initial reaction illustrates a fundamental challenge many of us face: the misconception that boundaries signal lack of commitment rather than sustainable excellence.
I haven't always been this clear about boundaries. After a layoff, I found myself working non-stop, including weekends, desperate to prove my worth. What I noticed during this period was transformative: when I didn't value my own boundaries, I became a martyr. "Look at me, poor me, giving up my life for this job," became my internal soundtrack. And I also began to resent those I was supposed to be there for. The people I said “yes” to even when my brain and body screamed “no.” It's no way to live, and it certainly wasn't authentic to who I truly was.
The Authentic Self Requires Boundaries
We've been led to believe that someone with clear, strict boundaries is selfish, rigid, and uncaring. The opposite is actually true, yet I've fallen for that narrative myself and have felt guilty saying "no" so many times. This guilt is particularly insidious for women, who are often socialized to believe that our worth comes from how much we give, accommodate, and sacrifice for others.
Dr. Brené Brown's research on vulnerability and shame reveals that boundaries are essential for authentic living.
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others."
This courage becomes even more critical for women who have chosen unconventional paths, as we often face additional scrutiny about our choices and commitment. If we are single with no children, society expects us to fill the gaps.
The truth is, boundaries aren't about building walls; they're about creating the space where your authentic self can flourish. When we fail to establish healthy limits, we risk losing ourselves in others' expectations, demands, and definitions of success. For women who have already chosen to walk against conventional wisdom, maintaining these boundaries becomes an act of revolutionary self-care.
The most damaging myth we've been sold is that caring people don't have boundaries. This couldn't be further from the truth. People with healthy boundaries are actually more caring, more present, and more generous because they're operating from a place of choice rather than depletion or resentment.
Psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of "Boundaries," explains that healthy boundaries are about taking responsibility for our own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors while not taking responsibility for others'. This distinction is crucial for women who have been socialized to be caretakers, often at the expense of their own well-being.
The guilt we feel when setting boundaries is often programming, not truth. We've been conditioned to believe that saying "no" makes us bad people, when in reality, it makes us honest people who respect both our own limits and others' right to hear the truth about what we can genuinely offer.
Identifying Your Boundary Needs
The first step in setting healthy boundaries is recognizing where you need them. Pay attention to your body's signals, that knot in your stomach when someone asks for "just one more thing," the exhaustion that comes from overcommitting, or the resentment that builds when you say “yes” when you mean “no.”
Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and author of "Set Boundaries, Find Peace," suggests examining patterns in your relationships and work life.
Where do you feel drained?
When do you find yourself complaining or feeling victimized?
These emotional red flags often signal areas where boundaries need strengthening. From my own journey, I've learned that boundary violations often come disguised as opportunities, compliments, or guilt trips. "You're so capable" can quickly become code for "you can handle more than everyone else." Learning to recognize these patterns has been essential to maintaining my authentic path.
Communicating Boundaries with Grace and Firmness
Setting boundaries isn't about being harsh or uncaring; it's about being clear and consistent. I've found that the most effective boundary conversations happen when I focus on my own needs rather than criticizing others' behavior.
Instead of saying, "You always ask me to work weekends," try "I'm not available for weekend work except in genuine emergencies." The difference is subtle but powerful. One invites defensiveness, the other simply states your reality.
Dr. Tawwab emphasizes that boundary setting is often met with resistance, especially from people who have benefited from your lack of boundaries. This resistance doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong; it often means they're necessary.
Since establishing firmer boundaries around my time and energy, I've noticed something remarkable: I'm more resilient when challenges arise. When you've protected and nurtured your personal space, you have reserves to draw from during difficult times. You're not already running on empty when life demands more of you.
The Ripple Effect of Healthy Boundaries
What I've discovered is that maintaining healthy boundaries doesn't just protect me, it gives others permission to protect themselves too. When I model that it's possible to be dedicated without being martyred, productive without being depleted, and caring without being consumed, I create space for others to do the same.
This modeling is particularly important for other women on unconventional paths. When we demonstrate that it's possible to succeed while maintaining our well-being, we challenge the narrative that sacrifice equals commitment. We show that sustainability and authenticity can coexist with professional excellence.
A Deeper Dive: The Boundary Setting Practice
✨ Bonus Resource Just for You! ✨
This week’s Deeper Dive: Setting Healthy Boundaries offers a step-by-step reflection journey designed to help you examine the messages you’ve internalized, clarify your true values, practice vulnerability, and build community around your authentic self.
I’m providing this as a separate, downloadable resource so you can easily save it, print it, or return to it anytime, no scrolling back through the article required. This is my small thank-you to you, my fellow travelers, for being part of this journey.
Paid Subscribers can access this and other downloadable tools and resources on the “Fearless Authenticity Toolkit” Tab on the homepage.
Daily Mantra
Carry this mantra with you throughout the week, especially when facing challenges:
"I honor my authentic self by setting boundaries that protect my energy, time, and peace—this is not selfish, it is essential."
Repeat this mantra daily as a reminder to check in with your authentic self before making decisions or responding to external expectations.
A Path Forward
As you continue to navigate social expectations and personal choices, remember that your path is uniquely yours. Embrace the journey, celebrate your accomplishments, and surround yourself with people who support and uplift you.
Join me here each Sunday at 10:10 a.m. ET for inspiration, encouragement, and community. Why 1010? In numerology, 1010 symbolizes new beginnings, spiritual awakening, and the realization of our potential.
Additional Resources for Your Boundary Journey
"Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself" by Nedra Glover Tawwab - The New York Times bestselling guide that demystifies boundaries for today's world. Tawwab provides simple-yet-powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life, rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
"Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - The foundational book that defines three types of boundaries (physical, mental, and emotional) and establishes that setting clear boundaries is a form of self-care not to be compromised.
"The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships" by Dr. Harriet Lerner - A renowned classic that teaches women how to identify the true sources of anger and use it as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change and healthier relationship patterns.