Step Into Vulnerability
The Courage to Live Fearlessly Authentic
There comes a point in our journey toward fearless authenticity when we must face our deepest fear: being truly seen.
Last year, I submitted a personal essay about living single to HuffPost, fully expecting them to ignore it. That way, I could tell myself I'd tried but failed without having to face the terrifying possibility of being truly seen, especially about choices that society questions at every turn. When the editor from this Pulitzer Prize-winning publication that reaches 60 million monthly global readers expressed interest and asked for revisions, I was so excited. Then I panicked. Then I sat on those questions for months, paralyzed by the prospect of opening my heart even wider to such a massive audience.
By the time I finally sent my revised piece, convinced and, if I'm being completely honest, subconsciously hoping I'd missed my chance to be published, something had shifted in me. The editor loved it. HuffPost, with all its awards and global reach, wanted to publish my story.
Talk about vulnerability. Talk about letting it all out.
The piece made its way into the world, even crossing the pond, and yes, there were nasty comments. Some really nasty ones. People who couldn't fathom that someone might choose a path that defied conventional expectations. But those harsh voices were drowned out by something far more powerful: the souls who said they finally felt heard, finally felt seen, and thanked me for having the courage to write what they'd been thinking but couldn't articulate themselves.
That's when I understood what vulnerability really means. It's not about our own comfort or discomfort. It's about making a difference in someone else's life by having the courage to be authentically, unapologetically, joyfully ourselves, even when that self doesn't fit society's prescribed template.
The Armor We Build Against the World's Judgments
For most of my adult life, I've worn armor designed to keep me safely invisible from the relentless questions and assumptions about my choices, whatever they happened to be. I convinced myself I was extremely introverted, requiring unusual amounts of alone time. While I am indeed introverted, I realize now that my fierce protection of solitude was often a sophisticated excuse for saying no to life itself, no to being seen, no to being questioned, no to having to explain or defend how I've chosen to live differently. But deeper than that, I was protecting myself from the scrutiny and potential discovery that I didn't fit in, wasn't talented enough, didn't have what it takes to measure up to others' standards.
Weight became another layer of protection. When I once lost 56 pounds, suddenly people were noticing me, offering compliments, calling me their inspiration for achieving what so many struggle to accomplish. It felt overwhelming. The spotlight was terrifying. Was I worthy of this praise and admiration? Was I deserving of being someone else's role model? The weight of being seen as someone who had "made it" felt heavier than the pounds I'd lost. So, I gained all the weight back, and then some, rebuilding my fortress of invisibility where no one would look to me as an example of transformation.
We all have our armor. Maybe yours isn't weight or manufactured introversion. Maybe perfectionism keeps you from trying anything where you might fail visibly. Maybe it's cynicism that protects you from hoping too openly. Maybe busyness shields you from having to sit with your own authentic desires. Maybe people-pleasing ensures you never risk disappointing anyone with your true self.
Dr. Brené Brown, whose groundbreaking research on vulnerability and shame has transformed countless lives (I proudly identify as a Brené Brown groupie), defines vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." For anyone who chooses to live authentically, whether that means being single, pursuing unconventional careers, making different family choices, expressing creativity, or simply refusing to conform to others' expectations, vulnerability means showing up as ourselves in a world that often rewards sameness.
Brown's research reveals that vulnerability isn't weakness. It's actually the most accurate measure of courage. When we armor up to protect ourselves from judgment about our unconventional choices, we also shut ourselves off from the love, belonging, and joy that come from living authentically.
Breaking Through Shame Barriers Around Being Different
Shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment. It whispers different messages to each of us: "You're too much," "You're not enough," "You're selfish," "You're weird," "You don't belong," or "Who do you think you are?" These messages, repeated by well-meaning family members, societal expectations, and our own inner critics, can create a persistent undercurrent of self-doubt about choices that bring us genuine fulfillment.
The antidote to shame, Brown discovered, is empathy: the ability to connect with others through shared human experiences. When we dare to share our stories about living differently, we often discover we're not alone in facing pushback. We're not alone in having to repeatedly explain that our choices aren't rejections of others' values, but affirmations of different paths to wholeness.
Dr. Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion adds another crucial layer. Her work shows that treating ourselves with kindness, especially when others suggest we should want something different, actually increases our resilience and ability to stay true to our authentic selves, whatever that looks like.
The Strength Found in Living Authentically Against the Grain
True strength isn't about having the "right" life according to societal standards. It's about showing up authentically to the life that actually fits us, even when others can't understand it. Every time we choose authenticity over conformity, whether in our relationships, careers, creative expressions, or daily choices, we build what Brown calls "shame resilience": the ability to recognize external judgment for what it is and stay connected to our own worthiness.
The magic happens not when we finally convince everyone that our choices are valid, but when we stop needing their approval. When I shared my experience of choosing an unconventional path, not as a tragedy to be pitied or a phase to be endured, but as a conscious, fulfilling way of being, it permitted others to own their different choices too.
Living authentically means accepting that some people will never understand our paths, and that's okay. It means recognizing that their discomfort with our choices often reflects their own unexplored questions about conformity, not any actual deficiency in our lives.
The research consistently shows that people who live authentically, who align their actions with their values rather than others' expectations, experience higher levels of psychological well-being, life satisfaction, and resilience. I can personally attest to this. Yet society continues to reward conformity and question those who dare to be different.
The Vulnerability of Defending Our Truth
Perhaps the most challenging aspect of living authentically isn't the loneliness that people assume we must feel when we're different, but the exhausting need to defend our contentment. There's something particularly vulnerable about insisting that you're happy when the world keeps telling you that you shouldn't be, that you're missing something essential, that you should want what they want.
I've learned that vulnerability isn't just about sharing our struggles; it's about having the courage to share our joy, especially when that joy doesn't look like what others expect. It's vulnerable to say, "I love my life exactly as it is," when people are waiting for you to admit you're settling or making the best of a disappointing situation.
Whether your authenticity shows up as being childfree, choosing non-traditional careers, expressing your creativity boldly, living as your true gender identity, having relationships that don't fit conventional molds, or simply refusing to pretend you're someone you're not, the vulnerability is the same. You're risking misunderstanding, judgment, and rejection for the chance to live as yourself.
A Deeper Dive: Reclaiming Your Authentic Narrative
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Daily Mantra
Carry this mantra with you throughout the week, especially when facing challenges:
"I choose to live authentically over acceptably, and honor my true self."
Repeat this mantra daily as a reminder to check in with your authentic self before making decisions or responding to external expectations.
The Path Forward
As you continue to navigate social expectations and personal choices, remember that your path is uniquely yours. Embrace the journey, celebrate your accomplishments, and surround yourself with people who support and uplift you.
Join me here each Sunday at 10:10 a.m. ET for inspiration, encouragement, and community. Why 1010? In numerology, 1010 symbolizes new beginnings, spiritual awakening, and the realization of our potential.
More Extras:
My HuffPost Essay: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lonely-not-married-happily-single_n_67268d24e4b0c69b94984e23?w2t
Brene Brown Ted Talk: “The Power of Vulnerability” https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en