The Two Voices Within
Your Path to Fearless Authentic Expression
There's a moment I vividly remember from my corporate days: walking into a conference room full of men and joining in, feeling completely at ease with their banter and direct communication style. Growing up with brothers had prepared me for this world, or so I thought. I could hold my own, speak up confidently, and navigate their conversations with genuine comfort. Yet somewhere along the way, I learned that what felt natural to me was perceived as threatening by others.
"You need to step back a bit," the leadership coach told me gently. "You're coming on too strong." It wasn't the first time I'd heard those words. My mother had said something similar throughout my childhood, even as she admired my independence and confidence. The message was clear: be strong, but not too strong. Be confident, but not in a way that makes others uncomfortable.
At 61, I've come to understand something profound about authentic expression: finding our voice isn't just about what we say. It's about navigating a world that often asks us to dim our light to make others more comfortable. Let that sink in for a moment… TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE.
But here's what I've learned on this journey toward fearless authenticity: our truest self is not too much. It's exactly what the world needs us to be.
The Double Bind of Being "Too Much"
The paternalistic environments I've worked in taught me a harsh lesson: my natural ease with direct communication, honed through years of growing up with brothers, was both an asset and a liability. I could navigate male-dominated conversations with genuine comfort, but that very comfort made me a threat to some of my male superiors.
My boundaries felt wider than they actually were for women in the organization.
The feedback was relentless and contradictory. "You're too competitive," my male supervisors would tell me. "Not enough of a team player." Even a female colleague once suggested that my background as a competitive figure skater, being yelled at by demanding coaches, had made me less diplomatic, too direct, and even hurtful in my approach.
The irony wasn't lost on me: the very qualities that had served me well in athletics, drive, focus, and the ability to perform under pressure, were being reframed as character flaws in the corporate world. Her attack in particular felt very personal and hurtful… to me.
This is the cruel paradox many of us face: we're encouraged to be confident and independent, yet when we embody those qualities fully, we're told we're "too much." Dr. Lois Frankel, in her groundbreaking work "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office," documents these invisible boundaries extensively. She reveals how women often misread workplace dynamics, believing they can operate with the same directness and assertiveness as their male colleagues, only to discover that the rules are different for us.
Dr. Joan C. Williams, author of "What Works for Women at Work," further documents this double bind. Women who speak up are often labeled as aggressive while those who don't are seen as weak or uncommitted. The boundaries that seem so clear for men become shifting, unclear territory for women navigating these spaces.
The emotional toll of constantly calibrating our authentic selves to fit others' comfort levels is exhausting. As I write this, I'm getting choked up remembering the times I desperately wanted to just be like everyone else—to follow the traditional path, to fit in seamlessly. But I couldn't, and I can't. I've spent decades on the outside looking in, wondering if my difference was a gift or a curse.
Distinguishing Between Conditioned Responses and True Expression
Learning to recognize the difference between our conditioned responses and our authentic voice is perhaps the most crucial skill in finding genuine self-expression. Our conditioned responses are the automatic reactions we've developed to gain approval, avoid conflict, or maintain safety. They're the voice that says, "I should agree with this" or "I need to tone this down" before we've even checked in with what we actually think or feel.
Dr. Gabor Maté's research on attachment and authenticity reveals that many of us learned early that love and belonging were conditional. We believed we were more acceptable when we dimmed our intensity, when we made others comfortable with our presence. This creates what psychologist Dr. Susan David calls "emotional camouflage," or ways of hiding our true selves to maintain safety and connection.
For women who grew up in male-dominated environments or felt most comfortable with direct communication, this conditioning can be particularly complex. We learn to navigate between being "one of the boys" and being acceptably feminine, between being strong enough to be respected and soft enough not to threaten. These learned responses become so automatic that we can lose touch with our genuine impulses entirely.
True expression, by contrast, emerges from a deeper place, from our values, authentic reactions, and genuine thoughts and feelings before they're filtered through "What will others think?" It's the voice that knows what it believes before it calculates the social cost of saying it.
Techniques for Accessing Genuine Self-Expression
Over the years, I've discovered several practical techniques that help distinguish between my conditioned responses and my authentic voice. These aren't theoretical concepts. They're tools born from necessity, developed through decades of trying to find my way back to my true self.
The most transformative breakthrough came when I was 58 and took a writing class focused on finding your voice in middle age. It was a game-changer for me. Of course, it was technically a writing class, but what it really offered was something I hadn't experienced before: a safe, private space where I could test my thoughts, values, feelings, and beliefs without judgment. For the first time in decades, I had permission to explore who I truly was beneath all the conditioning.
That class opened a path of continued writing and sharing personal pieces of myself that I never would have imagined possible. Through the act of putting words on paper, I began to hear my authentic voice emerge, not the voice that workplace expectations or family dynamics had shaped, but the voice that belonged entirely to me.
The Safe Space Practice: Find or create a private space where you can express yourself without any external judgment. This might be through writing, voice recordings, or even talking to yourself in the mirror. The key is that it's entirely yours, no audience to please, no image to maintain.
The Pause Practice: Before responding in any situation where you feel the familiar tension of "How should I say this?" take a breath and ask yourself: "What do I actually think about this?" Notice the first response that comes up before your mind starts editing it for palatability.
Body Wisdom Check: Our bodies often know our truth before our minds do. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's research in "The Body Keeps the Score" shows us that authentic responses often come with a sense of expansion or relief in the body, while conditioned responses create tension, constriction, or a sense of performing.
The Childhood Voice Exercise: Think back to who you were as a child before you learned to moderate yourself. What did that version of you care about? How did she express herself? That child's voice often holds clues to your authentic expression. I remember being five years old at a children's presentation by the Detroit Ballet, volunteering to dance with the prince on stage in front of several thousand people without a care for what they thought of me or my ballet dancing. Nothing but the pure joy of being me. That little girl had no concept of "too much" or "not appropriate" or "what will people think?" She just knew what brought her alive and went for it with complete fearlessness.
Values-Based Expression: When facing a decision about how to respond, ask yourself: "What response aligns with my deepest values?" rather than "What response will get me the outcome I want?" Authentic expression flows from our values, not our strategies.
The Writing Portal: Even if you don't consider yourself a writer, putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) creates a unique pathway to authentic voice. There's something about the act of writing that bypasses our usual filters and allows deeper truths to emerge. Start with simple prompts like "What I really think about..." or "If no one would judge me, I would..."
The Journey from Conditioned to Fearlessly Authentic
The path to authentic voice isn't about learning to fit in better. It's about becoming conscious of when we're operating from conditioning versus choice, and choosing our truest self every time. As I've aged, I've discovered something liberating: the comfort I once sought in conformity pales in comparison to the freedom I've found in fearless authenticity.
This shift didn't happen overnight. It came through years of recognizing that my unconventional path wasn't a deviation from some "right" way of living; it was my way of living my truest life. Dr. Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion has been instrumental in this journey. When we can extend the same understanding to ourselves that we would to a dear friend, we create internal safety that allows our authentic voice to emerge without apology.
But here's what I've discovered through decades of wrestling with this:
The parts of us that make others uncomfortable are often our greatest strengths. My directness, my comfort with challenge, my independence, my competitive drive were not/ARE NOT flaws to be corrected. They are aspects of my truest self that the world needs me to express, even when it feels lonely to do so. That figure skating background that someone criticized? It taught me resilience, precision, grace under pressure, and the ability to perform when it mattered most. These are leadership qualities, not character defects.
I've learned that finding my authentic voice isn't about being louder or softer—it's about being more honest about who I am and what I believe. Sometimes that means speaking up when others expect silence. Sometimes it means standing firm when others want compliance. The key is that it comes from a place of conscious choice to live as our truest self rather than unconscious conditioning to please others.
The Gift of Being Your Truest Self
One of the most profound realizations of my journey has been understanding that our differences aren't obstacles to overcome, they're gifts to embrace as we become our truest selves. The very qualities that made me "too much" in some environments are the ones that allow me to connect with other women who've walked unconventional paths toward fearless authenticity.
When we choose to live as our truest selves, whether in our careers, relationships, or life structure, we inevitably find ourselves on the outside looking in sometimes. But that vantage point gives us something precious: perspective. We see what others might miss because we're not fully immersed in the conventional narrative. We become beacons for other women who are ready to step into their own authentic power.
Your authentic voice is part of that gift. When you speak your truth, even when it's uncomfortable for others, you give permission for authenticity to flourish. When you stop performing acceptability and choose to live fearlessly, authentically instead, you create space for genuine connection with those who appreciate you as you are, your truest, most complete self.
A Deeper Dive: A 7-Day Worksheet for Fearless Authenticity
Finding Your Authentic Voice
✨ Bonus Resource Just for You! ✨
This week’s Deeper Dive: 7-Day Worksheet for Fearless Authenticity: Finding Your Authentic Voice offers a step-by-step reflection journey designed to help you recognize, trust, and act on your intuitive wisdom. Each day builds on the last, creating a foundation for lifelong self-trust.
I’m providing this as a separate, downloadable and fillable resource so you can easily save it, print it, or return to it anytime — no scrolling back through the article required. This is my small thank-you to you, my fellow travelers, for being part of this journey.
Daily Mantra
Carry this mantra with you throughout the week, especially when facing challenges:
"My authentic voice is not too much. It is exactly enough for those meant to hear my truest self."
Repeat this mantra daily as a reminder to check in with your authentic self before making decisions or responding to external expectations.
A Path Forward
As you continue to navigate social expectations and personal choices, remember that your path is uniquely yours. Embrace the journey, celebrate your accomplishments, and surround yourself with people who support and uplift you.
Join me here each Sunday at 10:10 a.m. ET for inspiration, encouragement, and community. Why 1010? In numerology, 1010 symbolizes new beginnings, spiritual awakening, and the realization of our potential.
Resources for Continued Growth
Top Podcasts for Finding Your Authentic Voice
Permission to Speak - Led by public speaking advisor Samara Bay, this podcast focuses on finding the courage to speak up and what our voice says about us.
The Mel Robbins Podcast - As the author of "The 5 Second Rule," Mel Robbins brings actionable advice on finding your voice and confidence. Drawing from her own life experience, Robbins gives listeners tools to feel more empowered at work and find stability in chaotic parts of their lives.
Unlocking Us with Brené Brown - Brown's podcast explores courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy - all essential elements for authentic voice.
Recommended Books
"Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office" by Lois Frankel
"What Works for Women at Work" by Joan C. Williams
"Emotional Agility" by Susan David
"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk
"Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown
Weekly Practice Suggestions:
Continue daily voice awareness checks
Maintain your safe expression space
Weekly values-based reflection
Monthly "childhood voice" check-ins
Interestingly, the number 1010 has always had some kind of mysterious significance to me. Have never really understood it. Thanks for these insights and assignments, the resonance feels life affirming. 🎈
“Authentic expression flows from our values, not our strategies.” Thank you Laura. 🌹